Ray Kowalski (ray__k) wrote,
Ray Kowalski



My mum used to tell me anything was possible, that I shouldn't count on stuff bein' set in stone 'cause there was always something that could happen that would throw everything off. That sounds kinda more depressing than she ever meant for it to be, I think she wanted to give me hope. I think she wanted me to believe that anything could happen, that I could be anything and do anything and all that stuff that people want their kids to believe.

For a long time I did believe it. That's why I went ahead and became a cop even though my dad hated the idea of it. I thought I could do it even if he didn't think so. Sometimes I still believe it, even if it's kinda, y'know... what's the word? Naive? Somethin' like that.

Sometimes I still believe it, though. I mean, look at my life right now, it's pretty damn good. I got a job I love, I got a good marriage, I got a partner I don't wanna kill, I'm happy. Anything seems possible when life is like this, y'know? You got this whole world that's just so freaking good that it seems like nothing can go wrong.

But sometimes things seem pretty impossible. Just certain things, not all things.

It's... I can't hate Sam. I want to, y'know? I really want to, I want to hate him, but I can't. It's impossible. I been through this a zillion times, but the story stays the same. Sam was gonna let me have the death of an innocent woman on my shoulders, he promoted me to detective to keep me quiet even though I didn't know what I was gonna have to be quiet about. He was like my family and he screwed me.

I should hate him.

But it's impossible, I can't do it. I wish I could hate him. I really wish I could hate him.
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